


Texts From Hannibal

by textsfromhannibal



Category: Hannibal (TV), Hannibal Lecter Series - All Media Types
Genre: And it wants a new member, And she is falling for them, Crack, Did the finale wreck you?, Drugging, Everyone is hopelessly OOC, F/F, F/M, Hannibal and Will are in love with Clarice, Humor, I have been told that this fic helps, Kidnapping, M/M, Multi, Murder Family, Nothing but crack here, Now containing 112 percent more actual plot!, OOC, Profanity, Psychological experimentation, Pure Crack, Seriously so much swearing, We're just shipping everyone, descriptions of violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 14:03:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4224522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/textsfromhannibal/pseuds/textsfromhannibal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In this universe, the Red Dinner never happened.</p><p>In this universe, cell phones can't be traced.</p><p>This is an irreverent, image-based, profanity-laced crackfic in text format. As in, phones. As in, everyone is TEXTING one another. It's about as weird as you'd think. And it all starts with an FBI trainee duct taped to a fridge...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Women ON Refrigerators

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, everyone! So, as stated in the description--this is a Clannigram crackfic based on the idea that everyone in the Hannibal universe (both Harris- and Fullerverse) is able to text with impunity. It's very OOC, very profane, and very, VERY silly. I started doing this as a joke for my friends, and they encouraged me to share it with the wider world. 
> 
> I use an iPhone message spoofer to create these. If the threads get confusing, remember that the character/contact name at the top of each "screenshot" corresponds to the gray bubbles (the ones on the left) in each conversation. Quick-changes can occasionally happen, though as I write more "chapters" I find that longer conversations are becoming the norm. (And if you're easily confused, God help you when we're watching a convo from Will's phone. He has a tendency to use...creative names for his contact list.)
> 
> I'm a bit shy about sharing this, but--big breath. Here I go. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> In case someone cares: This story is set 1-2 years after the end of Season 2, minus the Red Dinner. Will and Abigail rode magical unicorns to Murderland, and the Lecter "family" now lives in an undisclosed (but surely fabulous) location in the US.
> 
> And note: I am not making any money off of this, don't own any characters, just for fun, etc., etc.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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	2. Did You Just SHOP For Me?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh! I woke up this morning and saw all the kudos and comments and started grinning from ear to ear. Thank you, everyone! I have a ton of these, and more on the way. :D


	3. Daddy Issues

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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	4. A Much Hotter Igor

  
  
  
  
  


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	5. A Living, Breathing Gaslighting Machine

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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	6. Halfway 'Round The World Just To Braid Your Hair

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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	7. A Little Black Lamb

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, thank you so much for reading! All the commenters and kudos-ers--you're all lovely. :D Updates might be a LITTLE slower from now on, just because I've reached the end of the images I'd already produced. I'm still writing, so don't worry!


	8. Stab Dr. Lecter With A Pickle Fork

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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	9. A Power Couple With Zero Boundaries

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iee, thank you so much for reading, guys! This is so much fun. :D
> 
> I just thought I'd note a couple things:
> 
> 1\. I am trying to update every day! These actually don't take long to do, once I've got the "plot" in mind.  
> 2\. Don't worry, Dog Dad is going to be okay.  
> 3\. If you want to get a taste of my brain as I'm making these, try drinking three cups of coffee and then listening to Jonathan Coulton's "Skullcrusher Mountain" on endless repeat.


	10. The Meat In A Lecter-Graham Sandwich

  
  
  
  
  


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	11. Chew Toy For A Lap Dog

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and commenting, everyone! :D And just in case anyone is curious, here's the [image I write to](https://i.imgur.com/su7DWjA.png).


	12. It's Not Bacon

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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	13. Cuddle Your Giant Head And Coo

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates today, because this one is fairly short. :D Thank you for reading!
> 
> Also, I love how many of you are shipping Freddie/Francis. Here I was gonna off the child murderer, and you're like, "HE CAN BE REDEEMED THIS IS SO WRONG DO IT." So...I'm actually going to have to rewrite the next few chapters. XD You're my people. I love you.
> 
> On that note: I apologize if some of the Clarice/Freddie conversations get a bit technical/plotty. I'm trying to sketch out Francis, since he hasn't been on the show and a lot of people aren't as familiar with the books/movies.


	14. While The Cat's Away

  
  
  
  
  


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	15. The Opposite Of A Scream

  
  
  
  
  


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	16. Is Your Refrigerator Running? I Am.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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	17. Stern European Patriarch

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if anything in this chapter appears wonky. I am literally drunk as I upload it. Why, you ask? BECAUSE OF THE LATEST EPISODE AM I RIGHT? I started pre-gaming to get through it, then had to drink to recover. Then I realized, "Crap. I haven't done my TFH update."
> 
> Thank you, everyone who's reading! :D
> 
> Note 7/10 -- I won't be able to update today or tomorrow due to a sudden family thing. I'll be back, don't worry!


	18. Deep, Dark, Twisty Family Tree

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry for the delay--I had a family thing come up. Stupid RL!
> 
> On that note, from now on I may be updating a little bit more slowly. The chapters are getting longer and actually have a plot? Which takes a little longer to produce, which means I've gone from making 2-3 chapters per day to needing two days to produce one. Not a bad thing, I don't think, because the sheer word count is increasing, which means you guys get the same amount to read. :D
> 
> Thank you again to all the readers! You guys are amazing and your comments make me crack up. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere!


	19. The Murder Show

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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	20. He Keeps His Smile In A Box

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thank you so much for reading, still! :D Notes:
> 
> 1\. This chapter features over 5000 WORDS OF TEXT CONVERSATION! WhathaveIbecome.  
> 2\. I love you all, you are awesome.  
> 3\. This chapter is basically self-indulgence, as last night I was like, "OKAY, YOU GOT ENOUGH TIME WILL, MY INNER CLANNIBAL MUST BE SATED." And thus--a huge Clarice soliloquy.  
> 4\. I've been talking songs with people in the comments, but for this chapter I literally listened to this song about 300 times, so if you're interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XS-fBWGtd5s  
> 5\. CONGRATS ARDELIA, YOU BASICALLY DROVE HER INTO HIS ARMS, GOOD JOB FBI LADY.


	21. (Don't) Ask Me To Stop - Part 1

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo! Okay, this chapter is like, 7000 words of catharsis, and I decided to just post both parts at once.
> 
> For full effect, please listen to [this song 60 times in a row](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHZKPYQnsmc) and alternate coffee with hard cider. (Seriously, that is my "I shouldn't want to stay here, but I totally do" Murder Family jam.)
> 
> I love you all! :D Now that the Fredcis action arc is done, I can move on domestic Dragon cuteness--and some new villains!


	22. (Don't) Ask Me To Stop - Part 2

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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	23. She Has Excellent Shoes

  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the last few weeks, I thought I'd bring it back down with some cracktastic fluff.
> 
> What do you guys think? Bernardelia? Or Chiter? Because fuck common sense.
> 
> Shoutout to sgtsebstan for inspiring the Wonder Twins comment. :D Love you all!


	24. Those Bitches Have More Pie

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the wonderful relationship/plot ponderings! It was hilarious and amazing to discuss them with you guys. I have tons of ideas now. :D I <3 you all and you're amazing!
> 
> In order to create the Tumblr screenshot for Freddie, I actually had to MAKE one. You're free to visit the live thing--hell, send me asks if you're bored! I'll answer as TFH Freddie! http://dragonsdenmother.tumblr.com
> 
> You can also connect with me at my actual Tumblr, if you want, right here: http://textsfromhannibal.tumblr.com (Note: I'm new to Tumblr and I accidentally created TFH as a secondary blog, meaning I can't like posts/follow blogs as textsfromhannibal. If you see activity from textsfromhannibal2, that IS me.)
> 
> Also, thoughts on this week's episode: GUYS I ALMOST CRIED FROM JOY. I also kept cracking up, wondering if some of the non-readers/movie watchers who're reading TFH (I know there are a few of you) were out there in the world going, "Oh...she DIDN'T pull that out of her ass! That's real! Okay!"


	25. Arm-In-Arm-In-Arm

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated cast pictures, because I was bored: [Will-Clarice-Hannibal](http://i.imgur.com/t2Of7XG.png), and [Ardelia-Chilton](http://i.imgur.com/zaWkGMJ.jpg) (because COME ON, I have to do it now). 
> 
> The song I had on endless loop while writing Clarice's latest "let's not lie to ourselves I have boyfriendS FML" confession: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpeTvnyy8xY
> 
> YOU GUYS ROCK HARD. ALL OF YOU. YES YOU. IN THE BACK. YOU'RE ALL AMAZING. :D


	26. Side-eye All The Way From Quantico

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chilton's angry breakup song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSNyOYT3dJ8
> 
> Sorry for the little bit of delay in getting this up! Imgur's been giving me fits. I had to upload this chapter image by image. o_o
> 
> Edit: HOLY SNITSNACKS I ALMOST FORGOT THE AWESOME FANART!
> 
> rainyRay drew an amazing fancy Clarice! Telling Ardelia off, even. :D http://lith-princess-hanni.tumblr.com/post/125298047997
> 
> And Ina_K DREW THE CLANNIBAL CUDDLE PILE. http://ina-k.tumblr.com/post/125342910061/quick-sketch-for-most-talented-tfh-a-scene-from
> 
> I am seriously moved by all of your love, guys. I'm really shy and always kind of stay away from participating in fandoms, so thank you all for being so sweet. :D


	27. None Of Us Should Be In Cages

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Back with another update--a little more serious this time, but I had to get Bedelia/Chiyoh together and there's just nothing, NOTHING I can joke about in Hannibal's childhood. c_c (Chiyoh, on the other hand...)
> 
> Also, after last week's episode I desperately needed to write some Abigail/Hannibal cuteness. My soul demanded it.
> 
> As a programming note: For the next few weeks, I'll be away from home. I'm going on a road trip to Texas (IN AUGUST) to visit my boyfriend's family. I am from the Cold White North. The correct temperature is Snow. I would welcome your good thoughts, as I will likely spend the next few weeks cheating on my BF with an string of commitment-phobic air conditioners and crying. Also, due to the age/religious leanings of his family members, we are actually going to (no joke) RENT A SEEDY BY-THE-HOUR HOTEL ROOM somewhere in TEXAS just so we can watch Hannibal.
> 
> Apparently, according to BF, he doesn't think his family knows ANYTHING about Hannibal. Like, they've never even seen SotL. I told him that this makes me want to describe it with HAND PUPPETS, but he won't let me. :( ("I'm a suave supergenius! I eat people! Everyone roots for me even though I'm a giant dick!" "I'm a scruffy, socially awkward former cop who now teaches at the FBI Academy. I own one suit. Killers ride inside my head like I'm a flesh Gundam. I like dogs.")
> 
> (NO LIE BF JUST TOLD ME I'D HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHAT A GUNDAM IS TOO I AM DYING.)
> 
> Anyway: I will keep updating when I can, though! TFH isn't dead or on hiatus, updates just might be slow for a while. :D Love you all!


	28. The Evil Grapevine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'll hug you more at the end, but just a forewarning--this chapter is HUGE. 9200 words. I decided to just throw it all out at once, since I couldn't write/update on my trip like I thought I'd be able to. Here is my atonement. Hope you enjoy!

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH I MISSED YOU GUYS SO MUCH!
> 
> IS EVERYONE WATCHING THE SHOW AND CRYING? GOOD? YOU TOO? AWESOME. Never mind me, I'll just be in the corner cradling my darling Chilton's broken body. Gently, lest more skin flake off.
> 
> Trip was good, and I'm back. I wrote this chapter while I was actually in the CAR on the way back, because I was sorry I'd kept you all waiting so long. It got HUGE, and I decided to go with it.
> 
> Boyfriend and I actually stopped in the huge Bass Pro Shop in Memphis. We went in intending to snark at all the camo stuff. I left with a new wardrobe. If anyone out there is wondering where Abigail Hobbs's wardrobe is hiding? IT'S AT BASS PRO. They have seriously cute, lacy, embroidered, huntress-with-a-touch-of-boho Abby clothes there!
> 
> Clarice's freedom anthem, because I bought the new Disturbed album while I was writing and then subjected my boyfriend to it on endless repeat: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lupDjeumqvU


	29. Little Hannibal Stories

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Current list of people Clarice has had sex with: Will ✅ Hannibal❓ Both ❎
> 
> (FINALE SPOILERS)
> 
> I rushed to get this done because it seems a lot of people are in dire straits and require some levity and romance and fluffiness. And thus, the final scene between Freddie and Clarice was born. I AM HERE FOR YOU, MY PEOPLE.
> 
> I wish I could hug all of you who need it. I LOVED the finale. It felt like the perfect ending for both the people who were rooting for Hannigram, and the people who weren't. I actually fell into the latter camp, if only because their relationship had grown so utterly toxic during S3 that I could no longer derive joy from the idea of them being together. I can, however, derive a sad kind of joy from the idea of them undergoing mutual destruction. And perhaps in that destruction lies a kind of change? If Hannibal could emerge from that fall Less of a Dick, I'd be the first person throwing rice at Hannigram's wedding.
> 
> I'm weird. But hey, that's why I write this fic. So marginally less toxic, SLIGHTLY less abusive Hannigram can live on in perpetuity.
> 
> Other thoughts:
> 
> 1\. ARE WE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT JACK AND HIS FREAKING DEATH PACT? OH MY GOD I HATE JACK.
> 
> 2\. I WAS DENIED ALANA'S DEATH. Raaaage.
> 
> 3\. Get in, loser! We're going shopping! -- Great thing, or greatest thing EVER?


	30. Satisfying Every Hunger

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Current list of people Clarice has had sex with: Will ✅ Hannibal ✅ Both ❎
> 
> (That's a check, and a CHECK, and an X.)
> 
> This chapter is what happens when I receive "I want to know how Hannibal feels about Clarice! I want MOAR CLANNIBAL" criticism (deserved), and go ahead and equip myself with a wine-sized bottle of hard cider and the Hannibal movie soundtrack on endless repeat. (Because how can characters NOT be having beautiful, life changing sex to that music?)
> 
> I guess what I'm saying is--be careful what you wish for. 
> 
> Also, I think a few people out there need some Clannibal right now. You know who you are. This monstrosity is for you.
> 
> Thank you, everyone who is still reading! :D
> 
> BTW: Erwin Wardman was the man who coined the term "yellow journalism." Freddie is a geek.


	31. A Slapfight In The Dark

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Hope you're all doing well. :D Here is some Hannigram, served up on request! 
> 
> Also, more Chidelia. Because I'm sorry, I personally adore these two.


	32. The Greatest Gift Would Be Your Memory

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! I'M ALIVE! I PROMISE! 
> 
> I'm REALLY sorry for the unannounced mini-hiatus. Not to make things too serious, but I occasionally hit the Depression Wall, and when I go through a depressive period I 1) stop enjoying things, and 2) feel like even very simple tasks are incredibly hard to do.
> 
> So, you can imagine this conversation taking place in my head: 
> 
> Me: Brain, I know life sucks right now and we hate ourselves and want to die, but maybe if we can't do work we could do something fun?  
> Brain: HAHAHA NOTHING IS FUN. NOT EVEN THAT TFH THING YOU FUCKING LOVE.  
> Me: Well...maybe we should go on AO3 and tell people why we're gone?  
> Brain: HAHAHA FUCK THAT YOU'RE A LOSER NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU ALSO LOGGING INTO A WEBSITE IS ROUGHLY AS DIFFICULT AS BUILDING AN INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE. 
> 
> This is my failing, so I'm sorry for leaving you guys in the lurch. My depression seems to be passing slowly but surely, so I can promise more TFH in the future. I'm still game if you are! (And thank you so much for the nice comments you left while I was gone, they did a lot to brighten my day.)
> 
> Other notes:
> 
> 1\. I DISAVOW EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF MASON'S MOUTH. He is vile and I have literally NEVER felt grosser than when I was writing him. I do not share his views. AT ALL.
> 
> 2\. But now we know what's in the chocolate. >:D


	33. Have Yourself A Bloody Little Christmas - Part 1

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, guys! We're rolling into the conclusion! Which may be two...or three...or four parts? I haven't quite figured out yet. There's a ton of stuff to get to. o_o
> 
> Thank you so much for all the amazing thoughts and supportive comments you left on my last chapter. I'm still doing very well. :D
> 
> This chapter is brought to you by Raul Esparza singing "[O Holy Night](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIGJ7F_ZTXQ)," and [Hannibal's goddamn winter hat.](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/2f/44/f9/2f44f93796ca6a0a1c24079fdd92ccde.jpg) (NEVER FORGET.)


	34. Have Yourself A Bloody Little Christmas - Part 2

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter brought to you by Halloween candy, caffeine, and the [new Bond theme.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jzDnsjYv9A) *pant, pant*
> 
> Hi all! I hope you're well. I'm fine--just been very busy, and when these chapters stretch into the 10,000 word range, they take a while to write. I'm expecting two more installments and an epilogue, still. :D
> 
> Thank you again for all the lovely comments--they really do make my day! Even though it's taking me longer to update, thinking of you guys always makes me smile!


	35. Have Yourself A Bloody Little Christmas - Part 3

  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh guys I am sorry for the long hiatus again I hope you can forgive me. :O
> 
> I'm safe and doing well, just lots of stuff going on in my life. I'm one of those people who responds to Christmas faaaaamily talk with a grim rictus smile, so yeah. Draw your own conclusions. Some things happened (oh yay family gaslighting), but all is well.
> 
> And now I can continue with this...thing. God, I think I've legit written over a million words by this point.
> 
> This installment brought to you by the Major to Minor version of [All I Want For Christmas Is You.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQrN9ba8qEM) (I heart Chase for his ability to make any song sound like a stalker anthem.)


	36. Commercial Break - I LIVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No writing here - just an update! :D

Hi everyone! *big huge hugs* I just wanted to take a sec to tell you that I'm okay. In fact, I've written a ton on my Tumblr [right here](http://textsfromhannibal.tumblr.com/post/151098663049/i-live), so you might want to check that out. Summary:

1\. I AM ALIVE.  
2\. I AM ENGAGED.  
3\. I HAVE NOT ABANDONED THIS FIC, IT'S JUST KIND OF MOLDERING IN THE BASEMENT RIGHT NOW.  
4\. BUT I'M GONNA DIG IT OUT.  
5\. AND WINDEX THE SHIT OUT OF IT. OR BOIL IT TO BONES FOR AN EXPERIMENT. WHEREVER YOU WANT THIS METAPHOR TO GO, I'M COOL.  
6\. I PROMISE.

I love you all, and...oh my God. 72 messages. I promise I will plow through these as soon as I can, because I'm so grateful for all your kudos and comments, and so sorry for my unannounced break. When I'm having issues I tend to withdraw, which is a very bad habit/tendency of mine. I'm very sorry if it caused any of you pain or annoyance, and so thankful for your patience.

I'm running off to work right now. I hope you're all doing well!


	37. Have Yourself a Bloody Little Christmas - Part 4

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *falls prostrate before you all*
> 
> Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.
> 
> BUT I'M MARRIED Y'ALL SO THE MADNESS THAT IS MY LIFE CAN STOP. I don't promise to finish this fic soon, but it will eventually be finished! It is not abandoned!
> 
> ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Cannibal cuddle pile](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4524441) by [Ina_K](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ina_K/pseuds/Ina_K)




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